i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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