Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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