dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize