I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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