Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
