he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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