good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize