after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
