Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
