I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
