The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
