just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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