hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
