Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
