Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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