Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
