Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
