I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize