Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
