I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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