when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize