Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
