her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
