I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
