to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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