I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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