he puts the penis in happiness.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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