Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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