It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
