Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
