I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
