drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
