you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
