shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
