I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
