I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
