please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
