My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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