My hand turned me down
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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