He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
