it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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