Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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