Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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