and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
