I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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