just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
