I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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