C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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