I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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