Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize