Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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