my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
