Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My bed smells like the plague
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
