Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
