im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
