he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
