i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
